1. Alabama (7-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL!! Last Sunday, I went to a Christian church and participated in Christian-like activities. You know how there is always some dude or woman who experiences some sort of feelings of divinity and then starts, like, raising their hands sky-high, roll their necks to and fro, and shout really weird things? Yah, well .. I did it, too. I mean, when the preacher finished a prayer, and right before everybody else went, “Ahh-men,” I yelled, “ROLL TIDE ROLL! HaHa!” True biz! Perhaps. Last week, the Tide CRUSHED #22 South Carolina, 20-6. Tide hosts Tennessee (3-3) this Saturday. Alabama 28, Tennessee 10.

2. Florida (6-0) Everybody thought Florida and Tim Tebow would TIM TEBOW Arkansas last Saturday, but it didn’t happen. Instead, Arkansas kept the game close by sacking Tim Tebow lots and lots as the Gators eked out a 23-20 win. One of these days, Florida’s offensive line has to start protecting Tim Tebow better or else Tim Tebow will get TIM TEBOWED and Florida’s season will be TIM TEBOWED. True biz! Up next: hosts Mississippi State (3-4). Florida 38, Mississippi State 9.

3. Texas (6-0) Lawrdy! Lawrdy! Lawrdy! Texas’ game with #20 Oklahoma last Saturday was a game for the ages: it was a nail-biting’-sitting’-at-the-edge-of-the-couch kind of game. It was the type of game that epitomizes college football: a hard-fought game. A terrific game. A fantastic game, even. Unfortunately, I did not see the game. True biz! The Longhorns travel to Missouri (4-2) so expect a good, ol’ Texas beat down: Texas 48, Missouri 24.

4. Cincinnati (6-0) The Bearcats steamrolled past South Florida last week, 34-17. I once almost met Pete Rose in Las Vegas during a shopping trip at Caesar’s Palace. In fact, I was excited at the opportunity to meet baseball’s “Mr. Hustle,” but upon discovering that I would have to buy an expensive piece of baseball crap just for Mr. Rose’s autograph, I felt .. well, hustled. So, I did not meet Pete Rose. And that is all I have to say about that. Cincinnati hosts Louisville (2-4) this weekend – expect the Bearcats’ to win, 42-15.

5. Boise State (6-0) The boys of Boise State will be making noise as they travel to Hawaii (2-4). Boys make noise, especially when there are hot blonde chicks around. Or hot brunettes. Or hot, exotic chicks from Hawaii. Boise State is in Idaho, where people have skin the color of potatoes. True biz! Anyway, the point here is that BCS rankings computer formulas frown upon close games, so if Boise State wants the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, then they need to CRUSH Hawaii this weekend. Sorry, no hot blonde chicks for you boys from Idaho this weekend. Boise State 44, Hawaii 24.

6. Iowa (7-0) I-owe-wha?! is surging after desposing of Wisconsin last week, 20-10. So far, the Pittsburgh Steelers of college football are playing inspired football as the Hawkeyes head into the middle of their conference schedule. Hawkeye on M*A*S*H* was one of my favorite television characters as a kid. What would Hawkeye say about I-owe-wha?! and their season? “Lawrdy, Lawrdy! Lawrdy!” Iowa 30, Michigan State (4-3) 10.

7. Texas Christian (6-0) A 44-6 smashing of Colorado State last weekend proved to doubters that TCU is a legitimate, Top 10 team. In fact, we will find out if God likes Christians more than Mormons: TCU is at #13 BYU (6-1) this weekend in a Religious Rivalry. This is the sort of game that God cannot choose sides, or else he risks a Republican yelling, “You LIE!” Surely, God will nut up -  in fact, lots of people seem to be sayin’ stuff like lately – and pick the Christians to win for a replay of last year’s TCU win. TCU 13, BYU 6.

8. USC (5-1) The Pretty Boys of college football barely sailed past #25 Notre Dame, 34-27, last Saturday. That was a game I did not watch, unfortunately, but I was there – in spirit. Yes. Yes. Indeed. The Trojans have been playing with a greater sense of urgency (though it seemed to disappear in the latter stages of the Notre Dame game), and the Trojans are still on the outside-looking-in for a shot at the national championship. Meanwhile, the Trojans host Oregon State (4-2) this weekend, and expect a blowout – that is their only real chance of improving their rankings. USC 55, OSU 1.

9. LSU (5-1) The Tigers were idle last week. This Saturday, LSU hosts a suddenly-imploding Auburn (5-2) team that lost to Kentucky last week by a lopsided score. A really, really lopsided score. Okay, maybe it wasn’t so lopsided. But it seems lopsided, aigh’t? I mean, Auburn lost to Kentucky, for goodness’ sake! Saturday, LSU will try to prove they are recovered from the loss to #2 Florida two weeks ago, while Auburn tries to recover their early season and undefeated form. But losin’ to Kentucky? C’mon, dude. Expect the Tigers to win. Mark my words! LSU 31, Auburn 0.

10. Oregon (5-1) The Ducks were idle last week. I always liked the Oregon uniforms: they are green. Lots and lots of green on their uniforms means that I am a fan of Oregon football. Yes. Yes. Indeed. Like PAC 10 rival, #8 USC, Oregon needs to run up the score on teams they play: college football rankings computers give bonuses to teams that win games by more than 50 points – that is a fact! Unfortunately for Oregon, they host a tough Washington (3-4) team that kicked USC off the unbeaten pedestals of college football earlier this season. Expect a close blow-out. Oregon 44, Washington 28.

11. Georgia Tech (6-1) Last week, the YellowJackets clipped #15 Virginia Tech, 28-23 in a close game that I did not watch, neither. And to my surprise – and everyone else’s, too – the Yellowjackets shoved Virginia Tech aside and said, “Lawrdy, Lawrdy, Lawrdy – bring us Virginia!” Yes, indeed. Georgia Tech travels to Virginia (3-3) this weekend, and expect the Yellowjackets to continue their winning ways. Did you know Virginia lost to William & Mary, 26-14, on September 5? Do you even know what the mascot is for William & Mary? It is called, “Tribe.” William & Mary Tribe. Weird, dude. Georgia Tech 38, Virginia 6.

12. Oklahoma State (5-1) In beating Missouri 33-17 last week, the Creamsicle Cowboys proved that their early season loss to #18 Houston may have been a fluke. The Cowboys seem to be firing on all cylinders without suspended star receiver, Dez Bryant, and ain’t no reason to expect the Cowboys to falter without Bryant as the season winds down. Cowboys host Baylor (3-3) this Saturday. OSU 28, Baylor 3.

13. BYU (6-1) The Mormons trounced San Diego State last week, 38-28. I once went to San Diego and played golf at the nearby and fabled Torrey Pines golf course, and scored a 71 on the South course. Whenever people on golf courses inquire about my handicap, I always tell ‘em, “I am deaf.” And then they always reply, “Ahh .. so that is why you are so good at golf!” Yes. Yes. Indeed. BYU hosts #7 TCU this weekend in a Mormon Grudge Match: TCU 44, BYU 38.

14. Texas Tech (5-2) Every year, Texas Tech produces high-octane offenses with quarterbacks that never make lasting careers in the NFL. Why do Texas Tech quarterbacks not do so well in the NFL? It is the system. Texas Tech’s offensive system is the envy of college football, and after a slow start, the Red Raiders are becoming systematically rowdy down in Lubbock: last week, Tech won at Nebraska in a wild shoot-out, 33-10. This Saturday, Tech hosts Texas A&M (3-3) in Lubbock. Texas Tech 888, Texas A&M 42.

15. Virginia Tech (5-2) Last week: lost at #11 Georgia Tech, 28-23.  Idle this weekend. Up next: at North Carolina (4-3).

16. Penn State (6-1) Head coach PapaJoe’s Nittany Lions CRUSHED Minnesota, 20-0. PapaJoe’s team is executing plays well. Yah, well .. like, I’d like to see YOU come up with something interesting to say ’bout them, dude. I mean, their uniforms are awesomely bland. They play conservative offense and defense – predictable stuffs. And yet, year after year, teams repeatedly try to beat PapaJoe’s wisdom and fail. Just like Minnesota did last week. Unfortunately, the Nittany Lions travel to Ann Arbor, MI to face a surging Michigan (5-2) that seems to have overcome early season miscues. Upset Special: Michigan 33, Penn State 31.

17. Utah (5-1) Last week, the Utes went to Nevada-Las Vegas and throttled the Runnin’ Rebels, 35-15. Right about now, we’ve got to start determining what is a blow-out or what is not a blow-out win. If a team wins by 20 points like Utah did, is that a blow-out? Or if a team wins by 50 points, is that a blow-out? Indeed. But do close blow-outs count? I think not. In other words, Utah needs to win by larger margins to creep up the rankings, and unfortunately, pesky Air Force (4-3) comes to town. Expect a low-scoring affair: Utah 33, Air Force 22.

18. Houston (5-1) Houston galloped over Tulane, 44-16, last weekend in a game that few people watched. I didn’t. Did you? Of course not. Anyway, the Cougars host another of God’s teams – Southern Methodist (3-3) – and expect God to not like his own team once again: Houston 55, SMU 7.

19. West Virginia (5-1) The Mountaineers seem to be doing quite well given that former head coach, Rich Rodriguez fled to Michigan, and last weekend’s drubbing of Marshall (24-7) is evidence that Life After Rich is gonna be fine and dandy. And sadly, this week’s opponent – Connecticut – lost a teammate early Sunday morning when a starter was killed during a fight at a school-endorsed/sponsored dance, so there is no telling how the players will respond. But something tells me that both teams will show class and mutual respect, so I will not pick a winner for this game since I believe both will come away as winners.

20. Oklahoma (3-3) Now that quarterback Sam Bradford’s shoulder is done for the season, the Sooners can focus on his replacement, Landry Jones, and get him up to speed. Not that Jones hasn’t been up to speed, having played well in spelling for Bradford, but Jones’ lacks the experience that the veteran brings. Still, for a redshirt freshman, Jones seems to be maturing quickly as the season progresses, and despite the Sooner’s loss to #3 Texas last weekend, much hope remains that the Sooners can still be relevant in the BCS picture. Up next: at Kansas (5-1), which lost to Colorado, 34-30 last week. Colorado, dude. Oklahoma 45, Kansas 14.

21. Ohio State (5-2) Last week, lost at Purdue, 26-18. Up next: host Minnesota (4-3). OSU 28, Minnesota -15.

22. South Carolina (5-2) Last week, lost at #1 Alabama, 20-6. Up next: host Vanderbilt (2-5) South Carolina 36, Vanderbilt 10.

23. Pitt (6-1) Last week: won at Rutgers, 24-17. Up next: host South Florida (5-1). Pitt 27, South Florida 26.

24. South Florida (5-1) Last week: lost at home to #4 Cincinnati, 34-17. Up next: at #23 Pitt (6-1). See above.

25. Notre Dame (5-1) Last week: lost at home to #8 USC, 34-27. Up next: hosts Boston College (5-2) Notre Dame 38, BC 35 (2 OTs)

Paotie’s Upset Special: #16 Penn State vs Michigan I once worked with a guy who played football at Michigan, and the dude had Michigan shirts, hoodies, stocking caps, sweat pants and suits, wrist bands, drapes, socks and a even a car – all yellow and navy blue. Ugly, dude. Anyway, Michigan started the season in slow fashion but lately, optimism has resurfaced in Ann Arbor, and that means trouble for Penn State. Expect a close game and expect Michigan to prevail – a win over a ranked team would mean that the Wolverines may soon return to college football’s elite under Rodriguez’s tenure. Michigan 33, Penn State 31.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you have been doing well. Yesterday was a beautiful and sunny day: I went hiking with a few friends of mine and found some waterfalls. I mean, they were not the kinda waterfalls that you’d see in movies, what with millions of gallons of water gushing over a rock cliff or something like that. It was one of ‘em waterfalls that .. like, oozed water, ya’know what I’m sayin’? Yah. Well, it was going pretty swell until someone yelled, “BEAR! RUN! BEAR!”

Like .. everybody forgot to tell the deaf boy, man.

And guess who is a deaf boy?

Moi.

Yah, well ..

So, while everybody was runnin’ and runnin’ for the hills, guess what I was doin’? I was just standing there, enjoying the panoramic views and feelin’ at peace with the world, and everybody else was like .. tumblin’ and rumblin’ down the mountain behind me.

And when I saw the bear, dude, I was kinda like .. umm .. how do I say this?

I damn-near crapped my pants. But I didn’t and I feel it is important that I remind you that I did NOT poop the pants.

I think I might’ve screamed like a hot blonde chick in a horror flick. Yes. Yes.

But I ain’t pooped the pants, aigh’t?

So, I saw the bear and felt my heart drop to my ankles, and my mind had already left for the parking lot a few thousand feet below  – but still, I stood there (with clean pants, I might add) and froze. Survival experts are always sayin’ stuff like, “If you see a bear, stand up for yourself! YELL! STOMP! Do not cower in fear – bears sniff fear and then they will CRUSH you!”

Uh-huh. Yah.

The bear was about six foot high at the shoulders, I reckoned. I am not even sure why I reckoned or what exactly “reckon” means but it seems to be the right word here. I was reckoning that the bear was kinda thick and big, dude. I mean, he was like .. massively muscular. And brown, too. Well, not ‘sactly brown but more like .. well, okay, brown.

Sucks being color-blind, dude.

The bear looked more like an oversized dog than a bear I reckoned. Well, okay, I thought that the bear looked like an oversized dog.  When the bear smiled and showed its canines to me, I immediately reminded myself that bears eat blueberries and sheeeeet like that, but not humans. I mean, really, I was trying to convince myself that the bear was harmless and would not rip off one of my arms, or a leg, or an appendix or some such sheeeet like that.

I reckoned I had to say something, so I did, “What time is it, fella?”

The bear looked at me and raised an eyebrow. Silence followed. Well, silence always follows me ’round, dude – it is what some deaf people like me have followin’ after ‘em. I figured the bear was probably growlin’ and snortin’ and doin’ things that only bears do in the wild and that because I was standing in a tourist spot that had once been filled to the brim with human tourists that the bear would do no harm to me.

But there was no reply to my question. I thought to ask another one, “Are you gonna kill me, dude? ‘Cos like, that wouldn’t so work out for me, ya’know?”

The bear acknowledged me by raising up from its hindquarters, blocking out the sun and casting a shadow over me that chilled every bone in my body. My mind was already in the parking lot, looking for a ride home, and I had no idea what to do. The thought of screaming crossed my mind, but then I reckoned the future derisive jokes from my human buddies about my screaming was reason enough to not yell for help. And since I was already talkin’ to the bear and nuthin’ had happened yet, I figured there was something else I could do.

I signed to the bear.

Remember, I am deaf, aigh’t?

So I signed, “Big bear. Big and ugly bear. Big and ugly bear with bad breath. HaHa!”

The bear paused momentarily. A reckon crossed my mind: what if the bear knows sign language like Koko the ape did?

I reckon I worried about that.

I cleared my throat and was surprised to see the bear was startled. So I faked a cough. The bear flinched backwards.

“Ahh .. yes. You are afraid of swine flu, ain’t you?”

The bear snorted its reply. I smiled back at the bear, suddenly feeling confident that my mind was already halfway back up the mountain to where I stood, facing a menacing, growling carnivore. Or omnivore. Or herbivore. Or whatever the ‘vore bears are s’posed to be, dude.

A moment passed and the bear sat back down on all four paws, allowing the sun to once again warm my freckled shoulders. The creature huffed or some such sheeeeeet like that ‘cos it kinda looked like it was coughing, you know? I mean, I’ve seen dogs when they whined: you can see their jowels flapping as they whine, and for some odd reason or another, when the bear’s jowels began flapping like a dog’s, I reckoned that the bear was probably huffing, but not whining.

Have you ever heard a bear whine?

Not I.

Another minute of huffing went by, and I stood as motionless as I could possibly stand. But my hands were shakin’ and sweatin’, and my heart was poundin’ and squeezin’ my chest, and my feet stood frozen to the ground – I was stuck in a nervous state. My mind had not yet made the final flight of steps up the mountain, and I was still clueless about what to do.

Nothing moved. Not a tree swayed, a leaf fall, or a raccoon rob a squirrel’s bank.

My eyes, though, they were dartin’ everywhere and all at once. I felt light-headed more than once as my eyes searched and panned for clues that help would be on the way. Out of the corner of my eye, the parking lot at the base of the mountain looked like a deserted patch of black tar, and not a human being could be seen.

I felt hopelessly alone.

Still, I was believin’ in myself that somehow, I’d find a way to get past the bear, back down to the parking lot, and home in time for SportsCenter.

An itch in my throat from the dry, high-altitude air made me cough, and the bear was once again startled. I coughed forcefully again, and the bear backed up a little. I coughed s’more and the bear took s’more steps backwards. I sneezed and the bear raised a questioning snout at me.

I signed, “Bear, bear, it ain’t fair that you are here and that I did not hear you near. Yes. Yes. It is most unfair.”

And to my surprise, the bear sighed. I mean, can you imagine seeing a bear sigh? Yah, well, Winnie the Pooh does it all the time, but he ain’t no murderous, menacing meat-eater, ya’know what I’m sayin’? The beast just sighed.

I sighed, too. The bear looked at me in agreement.

I signed to the bear, “Sir, I will now leave you to enjoy your pristine wilderness. Fare-thee-well, lad.”

Replied the bear, “Ahh .. ”

To which I responded, “Ahh .. indeed.”

The bear paused before turning away, slowly walkin’ or pawin’ its way up the mountain ahead of me. I felt my heart return to its original cavity and my chest relaxed enough for my mind to finally re-enter my brain. I wiped clammy hands on my shorts and exhaled in relief – it’d been an endorphin-poundin’ experience.

I glanced back at the parking lot and saw that there were, indeed, still no signs of human activity, and about the same time I reckoned that, my cellphone vibrated. I mean, first of all, I wasn’t expecting my cellphone to buzz way out in the middle of no-damn-where, but it did. And second of all, I had completely forgotten I even had a cellphone with me during the entire time the bear and I reckoned one another, but at least, for now, I could text my buddies and ask for a ride home.

But apparently, the bear’s curiosity was piqued by the sound of my cellphone’s vibrations and had stopped dead in its tracks. It had turned around and raised its snout at me. I coughed and signed, “Ahh .. it is just my friend – he wants to know if I am still alive.”

The bear huffed – I already ‘splained that, aigh’t? – and began walking towards me. I signed, “I texted back that, ‘No. This is the bear. I have eaten your friend. Shall you care to join me for dinner, human?’ HaHa!”

The bear stopped its approach towards me and bared its teeth. I smiled back. And then without warning, and with such a sudden force that I never saw comin’, the bear winked at me.

And then it turned around once again and began walking back up the mountain. Under my breath, I whispered, “Whew.”

Fifteen minutes later, my buddies returned to the parking lot and were amazed that I was still alive. I told them about my experience and included words like, “arm triangle” and “superman punch” and “body slam” to describe my encounter with the wild and dangerous animal. They were impressed. And so was I.

I never told ‘em about the signing part, probably ‘cos most of my friends do not sign, anyway. And I never told ‘em that the bear and I are now buddies, though I won’t be making any trips back to that mountain anytime soon, neither.

Yes. Yes. Indeed.

So you have it on my good authority that yelling or stomping your feet at bears ain’t gonna work, okay? You got to sign to ‘em. If you don’t know sign language and you’re out in the woods and run into a bear, flashing gangsta signs just ain’t gonna work – the bear will most likely shoot you with a bazooka, anyway.

Yah, well .. I reckon.

And I ain’t pooped the pants, neither.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

1. Florida (5-0) Last week, Tim Tebow TIM TEBOWED then-#4 Louisiana State, 13-3. You read right: Tim Tebow TIM TEBOWED the Tigers. It was a pretty good game, too. Unnamed and fictional sources tell me that Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, sang Ronnie Milsap’s song, “What a Difference You’ve Made” to Tim Tebow all week last week – the song includes stuff like, You’re my sunshine daa-aa-y and nii-ii-ght/Oh what a difference you’ve maaa-aade, yeeaa-aah! Mmm .. ‘kay. Florida hosts a high-scoring Arkansas team (3-2) this weekend and expect a shoot-out. What a difference you’ve maa-aade in my life, yeah-heah-heah-heah! Yah. Whatever, dude.  Florida 55, Arkansas 34.

2. Alabama (6-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL!! ‘Bama CRUSHED ‘Sissippi last week, 22-3. Recently, I went to the local library to do some research and needed to use one of the computers there. I had to fill out a form and gave my name, turned it in, and after waiting about 15 minutes, the librarian came back, “Mr. Rolltideroll, your computer is ready now. Please go on upstairs.” ROLL TIDE ROLL! HaHa! The Tide host #22 South Carolina (5-1) and expect Alabama to continue rollin’ and rollin’ and rollin’ on the river to the BCS National Championship game. Alabama 44, South Carolina 12.

3. Texas (5-0) Last week, the Longhorns routed Colorado, 38-14. Texas’ uniforms are burnt orange, which is a fascinating color for color-blind people like me: it looks like shiny rust. I saw a family of tourists last week, wearing burnt orange shirts and hats and other sheeeeet like that, and a few of ‘em even had stuffs printed on ‘em like, Burnt Orange Nation. Weird. Burnt orange. I dunno how someone pegged that color, neither. Anyway, Texas faces a surging #21 Oklahoma (3-2) team that is out for revenge after having suffered losses earlier this year. Not a good time to be a Sooner, though, because burnt orange seems to be the latest fashion fad. Burnt orange. Okay. I’ll stop now. Texas 33, Oklahoma 31 (3 OTs)

4. Boise State (6-0) As I predicted last week, Boise State struggled against Tulsa (4-2) last night during a 28-21 win. I recently had tea with an English friend of mine, and she inquired about the word, “Boise,” assuming it was a French word. I informed her she was incorrect: Boise was created by the heavy metal rock band, Quiet Riot. True biz! C’mon, feel the noise/girls rock your boise/we’re gonna get wild, wild, wild ..  Indeedly! Since the boys of Boise State played football during a school night, they are idle this weekend. Quiet Riot 14, Boise State 13.

5. Texas Christian (5-0) Last week, TCU escaped Air Force in a 20-17 win in Colorado. It was a hard-fought victory for TCU. They pushed and pulled and gritted their way to a win. They conquered a tremendous foe! They vanquished the enemy’s hope! YES! WE ARE TCU! WE SHALL PREVAIL! Okay, somehow, that seems anti-Christian. Whatever, dude – it’s just a football game. Yah. Well, try telling that to New Mexico Lobo head coach – Something Named – ‘cos the Lobos suck, dude. TCU hosts Colorado State (3-3) this weekend. TCU 28, CSU 14.

6. Cincinnati (5-0) Last week, the Bearcats were idle. This week, they travel to #9 South Florida (5-0) in a showdown of undefeated teams. Last week, if you thought the game was last week – do not blame me: South Florida hosts Cincinnati this week. Indeed! Well, ain’t nuthin’ new to add here since I already said it last week. Can you believe some NFL dude who lives in Cincinnati would change his last name to numero ochocinco? True biz! I mean, ochocinco? Could be worse – you could be wearing burnt orange. True biz! South Florida 30, Cincinnati 29.

7. Iowa (6-0) Once again, I-owe-wha?! edged out a big-time school for a win. Last Saturday, the Pittsburgh Steelers of college football slipped past Michigan, 30-28. It was a pretty good game – at least from what I read. Does Iowa deserve to be ranked this high this far into the season? Only time will tell. The Wisconsin Badgers (5-1) are smarting from their first loss of the year to #12 Ohio State and will have revenge on their minds. Unfortunately for I-Owe-What?! playing well in big games requires a bit of luck, and this weekend, the luck dries out: Wisconsin, 30, Iowa 21.

8. Kansas (5-0) Kansas’ quarterback – an unknown quarterback to me – has been playing surprisingly well this year. The quarterback’s play is always a surprise to me ‘cos I dunno nuthin’ about him, aigh’t? So, if he passes for 10 touchdowns – it is news to me. If he passes for 400 yards – it is news to me. If you know his name, that is news to me. I just know there is a quarterback at Kansas and that he is playing well enough for his team to be undefeated after running past Iowa State, 41-36 last weekend. Fortunately for Kansas and its unheralded quarterback, they travel to Colorado (1-4) this weekend. Kansas 34, Colorado 9.

9. South Florida (5-0) Last weekend, Ze Bulls were idle.  With Florida State’s sudden troubles and controversies overshadowing that school, South Florida is poised to make a statement that they belong with Florida’s elite of college football. Expect Ze Bulls to upstage Cincinnati (5-0) this weekend: South Florida 30, Cincinnati 29.

10. Virginia Tech (5-1) Last weekend, Virginia Tech CRUSHED Boston College, 48-14. CRUSHED! Frank Beamer’s squad is looking more and more like the powerhouse teams of the past, beating difficult opponets while CRUSHING Boston College. CRUSHED! Indeed. The Hokies are at #16 Georgia Tech this weekend, and the two teams share a common opponent: #13 Miami (Fla.) The Hokies CRUSHED Miami earlier this year, 31-7; likewise, Georgia Tech was CRUSHED by Miami, 33-17. Common sense dictates that Virginia Tech will CRUSH Georgia Tech this weekend. CRUSH! Indeed. Virginia Tech 49, Georgia Tech 15.

11. USC (4-1) Last week, the Pretty Boys of college football were idle. Last week, some of all ya’ll thought USC played #24 Notre Dame (4-1) last week: the game is this week. Accursed bye-weeks in college football! Anyway, I was watching some .. thing on ESPN about how the Irish were feelin’ different this year after suffering through horrendous blowouts at the hands of USC the last two times the teams played, and I agreed: this year, Notre Dame has adopted Ronnie Mislap as this year’s “Rudy.” What a difference you’ve ma-ade in my life, woh-oh-oh-oh. Yah. I dunno ’bout some of these lyric web sites, dude. USC 38, Notre Dame 22.

12. Ohio State (5-1) The Buckeyes ruthlessly CRUSHED Wisconsin, 31-13 last week. Okay, I dunno about “ruthless,” but it was a pretty dramatic drubbing. Okay, I dunno about “dramatic”, neither. All that matters is that Ohiostate Sucks U. CRUSHED Wisconsin and booted ‘em right on outta the rankings. OSU seems primed to begin peaking towards the later stages of the season, which bodes well for ‘em: they face a sagging Purdue (1-5) team that still doesn’t suck as bad as my Lobos. For Ohiostate Sucks U. fans, this weekend will be a fun one: Ohio State 55, Purdue 3.

13. Miami (4-1) Last week, the Hurricanes routed Florida-in-the-Morning, 48-16. Ain’t no surprises there. The middle part of Miami’s schedule is filled with unknown teams, such as Florida A&M and their upcoming opponent this weekend – Central Florida (3-2). But down in Florida, everybody knows everybody ‘cos everybody is somebody’s buddy who knows another somebody who knows another buddy who knows Jim down in Tampa who knows Tim in Miami who knows about Ronnie Milsap. True Biz! Miami 28, UCF 13.

14. BYU (5-1) Last week, I mentioned that BYU needed to start putting games away by scoring tons of points like the thousands of snow-making machines that fluff up ski areas in Utah, and indeed, BYU did just that – the Cougars routed UNLV 59-21. BYU has been scoring at a 35 points-per-game clip, which is the very thing former University of New Mexico head coach, Rocky Long, had trouble finding. The point here is that BYU has a great defense and offense – unlike what Rocky Long had at UNM – and the Cougars are clicking on all cylinders as they resume their Mountain West Conference play. Up next: San Diego State (3-2). BYU 35, SDSU 14.

15. Oregon (5-1) The Ducks traveled to UCLA last weekend and came away with a 24-10 win. They are idle this weekend but face a strong Washington (3-3) team next week that beat #11 USC at home and gave Notre Dame fits before losing in Indiana. Washington is much more dangerous than their record indicates, and since they are at home, expect a good game. Not much else to say until then since the Ducks are off this week, so without further ado: Ronnie Milsap 1, Oregon 0.

16. Georgia Tech (5-1) The Yellowjackets pounded Florida State and its beleaguered head coach, Bobby Bowden, 49-44 last week. It was a terrific game, and if you prefer high-scoring games, last week’s game was a feast for the eyes. Georgia Tech can and does score in bunches but the question is whether they’ll score enough points against #8 Virginia Tech (5-1) to win. Probably not. Mark my words! If it seems like I am in a hurry – I am! I have to catch the bus to downtown in ’bout twelve minutes. True biz! Virginia Tech 49, Georgia Tech 15.

17. Nebraska (4-1) Last week, the Cornhuskers CROPPED Missouri, 27-12. CROPPED! Okay. Maybe that ain’t the right word, but I’m tryin’ – CRUSHED is getting kinda old and TIM TEBOW doesn’t seem to be catching on. CROPPED. Mmm .. ‘kay. Anyway, Nebraska hosts the always-potent Texas Tech (4-2) offense, which leads the nation in total offense; Nebraska’s defense is ranked 14th nationally for total defense, so expect an exciting game with lots of turnovers, penalties and college students being TIM TEBOWED at local bars and pubs after drinking too much alcohol. Yes. Yes. Indeed. Nebraska 38, Texas Tech 35 (4 OTS)

18. Oklahoma State (4-1) The Creamsicle Cowboys melted Texas A&M 36-31 last weekend without star receiver, Dez Bryant, who was forced to sit out the game after reports surfaced that he had lied to the NCAA about contact with an NFL player. Still, there appears to be hope in Stillwater: Bryant may return this season, so perhaps the Cowboys’ season ain’t fumblin’ away as I had predicted last week. At least, Oklahoma State is home this weekend, hosting Missouri (4-1), which may be shell-shocked following the Tigers’ loss at home against #17 Nebraska. Oklahoma State 44, Missouri 20.

19. Utah (4-1) The Runnin’ Utes traveled to Colorado State last weekend and edged out the Rams, 24-17. This weekend, the Utes will try to match or surpass BYU’s 59-21 win at UNLV last weekend. For UNLV, now is not the time to be a Rebel. True Biz! Expect the Utes to drop 60 points at UNLV (2-4). Mark my words! Utah 60, UNLV 20. (I got seven minutes left and see the bus a-comin’ .. )

20. Penn State (5-1) Last week, PapaJoe’s Nittany Lions OBLITERATED Eastern Illinois, 52-3. OBLITERATED! Indeed – I like that word better than CROPPED and even, perhaps, CRUSHED! We’ll see .. The Nittany Lions host Minnesota (4-2) in a game that has huge implications for their conference. I forgot which conference that is, but that ain’t neither here nor there: whenever a game is at Happy Valley, PapaJoe and his Nittany Lions usually win. Expect Penn State to OBLITERATE Minnesota, 27-20.

21. Oklahoma (3-2) Last week: defeated Baylor, 33-7. Up next: vs #3 Texas (5-0)

22. South Carolina (5-1) Edged Kentucky, 28-26 last week. Up next: at #2 Alabama (6-0)

23. Houston (4-1) Upended Mississippi State, 31-24. Up next: at Tulane (2-3)

24. Notre Dame (4-1) Idle last week. Up next: host #11 USC (4-1)

25. LSU (5-1) Last week, lost to #1 Florida, 13-3. Up next: idle.

Paotie’s Upset Special: Paotie 1, Municipal Transit Bus 0.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie