Happy St. Patrick’s Day – 2008!
Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe weekend! I spent most of the weekend entrapped by raging snowstorms! Travel was impossible! Snowdrifts were piled as high as second-story windows! Winds raged with fierce hurricane-like power at night! Food became scarce as communications broke down! Heating finally became the most important issue by early Sunday morning after the wind caused a tree branch to break a window directly below our room! We were trapped! We had no way out!
It would have made for a really cool story, don’t you think?
I’m just messing with all ya’all, can ya dig it? Ya know what I’m sayin’?
Tonight, you will probably drink green beer at an Irish pub named, “Mick”-something. And there, you will purposely not wear green so that the hot, blonde Irish chick wearing a tight green shirt will pinch you! And then ask you out on a hot date!
Some of you will drink Guinness and sing jolly, Irish songs like, “Irish Spring Soap Lathers Better Than Lotion!” And then you will draw Irish clovers and hang them over your head to entice hot, blonde and (hopefully) drunk Irish chicks to kiss you – because it is Irish custom!
Another Irish custom involves genes and alcohol. All through the night tonight, you will develop a short, Irish temper because alcohol causes Irish genes to mutate from peaceful people towards riot-fueled soccer fans. That is why there are always riots in Europe – because of the Irish!
I am not kidding you!
If you’re smart, you will drink lots of water before you go to bed to avoid a hangover! Or you will drink raw eggs in the morning in a fit of bravado to your Irish (and hopefully still) drunk maiden and declare, “vomiting is for Brits!” shortly before upchucking scrambled eggs. In any case, the vast majority of you will have the famous Irish hangover – a full day of suffering a nasty and angry Irish headache.
But to be fair to the Irish, they sure know how to have a jolly good time. They always sing in pubs. And they always seemingly have bagpipes and potatoes around, too. I mean, there’s a saint that gives people permission to get freaky and wildly drunk tonight.
And! Plus! Tonight’s the night to be Irish and jovial – especially in America. If you’ve got Irish genes in your family, do not believe the Irish nationals who insist that the only Irish on the planet are the ones who live in Kilkenny, Ireland – there are Mexicans who are also Irish!
So, tonight, if you’re in an Irish pub and drinking Irish Car Bombs, be sure to shout, “Omigawd! They killed Kenny in Kilkenny! Those British bastards!” when you slam down your mugs.
I would know – I’m part Irish. So, all ya’ll going out tonight to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day tonight, please have fun and do not drink and drive!
Especially if you live in Ireland.
Be good .. or be good at it.