Denver - Good morning, everybody! As we all know, Deaf education is by far and away one of the most controversial issues on the Deaf Planet. Some people demand ASL-only educational approaches disguised as “bi/bi” educational methods. Other people blatantly demand ASL-only for all people who do not utilize sounds. And of course, some people have orgasms of stupidity regarding oralism itself, too - but I have the solution! I have the answer to all of Deaf education’s woes!

Marijuana Growing 101!

I am not kidding you!

Vocational rehabilitation counselors and parents of deaf/hard of hearing (HOH) children across America - lend me your ears and eyes for a moment! Do not send your client/child with un-functioning cochlears/ears to Gallaudet University! Forget Harvard, too!

Send your inquiring minds to Oaksterdam University in Oakland, California! There, your kiddo will learn the fine art of cultivating and growing marijuana, as well as learn the fine art of Marijuana Management 101. Yes! Yes!! For as little as $200 (not including textbooks), a student can become an expert and profitable marijuana grower for the mushrooming medical marijuana industry - which is legal in California and Colorado, among other states.

Best of all, the school teaches people how to get jobs!

According an Associated Press story, the “… basic idea is to try to professionalize the [marijuana cultivating and growing] industry and have it taken seriously as a real industry, just like beer and distilling hard alcohol,” said Richard Lee, 45, an activist and pot-dispensary owner who founded the school in a downtown storefront last fall.

Students take classes such as Management 420 - in which students learn that entry-level workers are paid a little more than minimum wage, while “bud tenders,” can make over $50,000 a year, and owners and top managers more than $100,000, Oaksterdam U. owner Lee said.

A student, Jeff Sanders, 52, added that he has been buying medical marijuana since 2003, but wants to open a dispensary in the San Joaquin Valley because he doesn’t like having to drive up to San Francisco and paying the markup.

“I see it as a good thing. You are giving back to the community,” Sanders said.

And given that Deaf education in general tends to do nothing but produce more “Deaf education experts,” Oaksterdam University is a perfect fit for the deaf community itself! Learn to be proficient and wealthy farmers/cultivators! Learn how to ease people’s sufferings with various types of marijuana plants!

Forget Gallaudet! Forget Harvard!

Oaksterdam University rules!

And the best thing about it is that it is all perfectly legal, too!

So, send your kids/clients to Oakland and have them learn to grow/cultivate marijuana so that all ya’ll “Deaf education experts” can get together during “rallies” against organizations and people alike, and share brownies! YES! YES!!

HaHa!

Anyway, I have to rush off now - I want to buy the latest edition of High Times magazine. I hope you have a terrific day (and not week, you sexy Italians!) today!

Good times! Good vibrations! Higher education - I love it!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe weekend! I had a pimpin’ and bitchin’ weekend, all ya’ll! I saw some phat women at the mall over the weekend, too! I was chillin’ with my female homies at the mall when we cruised on over to where some cool chicks were hangin’ out. Like, fo’realz, all ya’ll! And then this sexy grrl walked past us, and in my usual, suave and slick stylin’, I said these peanut-butter-sucking and irresistible words:

WOW! What a babe!

HaHa!

I’m just messing with all ya’ll, can you dig it? Ya know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway, I came across a couple blogs over the weekend that caught my eye - and two inspired me in particular for today’s article. One hard of hearing (HOH) blogger talked about how she was shocked to learn that a popular song her kids were listening to contained the word, “phuck” as in, “What the phuck!?!”

And other phrases like that, too!

Meanwhile! An Eitoap Press investigator is now investigating the investigative and inquisitively informative inquiry into the impending demise of an original “bad word!” Al Sharpton has been scheduled to preside over the “f-word’s” funeral sometime next week. Stay tuned as reports are streaming in that the original “f-word” is still being ubiquitously used in utilization with great understanding in China!

The second blogger - the Bionic Woman (“bwwww” special sound and slow-motion effects are now playing) - wrote about how music is important to her. Music seems to be a common and important element of many families across America. Even for people who do not utilize sound for whatever reasons!

WOW! What a concept! Deaf/HOH people like music!

I mean, I’m deaf - music has always been an afterthought for me. I do like lyrics though, and I especially am fascinated with rapping contests. The rappers have to make words and stuff up that rhymes and sounds good. Well, I don’t care how it sounds, but the word play is always great to see when they have Dueling Rapper Thingamigjigs.

But, I do confess to a love for going to rock concerts! It gets LOUD! People are rowdy! Beer flies everywhere! Chicks get wet and dirty! The music throbs and pulsates people’s bodies! Close contact with private parts gets some men fully aroused, which causes a popular concert curricular-activity: mosh pits!

I admit that I rarely partook in mosh pits myself. The first time I tried the mosh pit, I decided to fake the dude charging at me and sided-stepped him. And then he fell flat on his face! Like, “WHOMP! There he goes - right on his face! HaHa!” Everybody laughed! And then people got pissed! And then people started moshing me like a scene straight from the movie, A Night At the Roxbury!

I am not kidding you!

And then one time at a KISS concert not long ago - after enduring tortuous minutes of witnessing geriatric men with 3-foot-long-tongues flicking women crazily horny - I caught a glimpse of a drunk dude in front of us shout, “TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF BRA! BRA! TAKE IT OFF!”

I promptly took my hat off.

And then I wondered who he was talking to. And then I wondered if he meant, “BRA” as in “BRO” or if he had meant, “BRA” as in “breast cuppers.”

So, I looked around and discovered a hot and small, 20ish white and heavily tanned and scantily-clad blonde woman climb aboard a very large, Hispanic, masculine and heavily muscular and short .. woman! And the Ahnuldwoman also had 4 pounds of make up primed on her face, too!

Gawrsh!

And of course the hot, blonde chick did not take off her bra! Too bad security was watching her.

Crud.

Anyway, I wish I could’ve been a rapper. So, I thought I’d give it a crack here before I let all ya’ll go and have a great and terrific week. Where ever you are today, crank up that radio’s volume LOUD and feel the good vibrations. If you’re deaf/HOH, crank up that noise louder and get to feelin’ the beats of the good vibes.

Let’s get to rappin’!

*pumps his palms skyward repeatedly*

Yo!

This old man, he played one
He played knick-knack on my thumb
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

This old man, he played two
He played knick-knack on my shoe
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

This old man, he played three
He played knick-knack on my knee
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

wORd!

*moonwalks across your screen*

HaHa!

Okay .. it wasn’t a rappin’ song - but it’s a good rhyme! Have a great week!

And remember, when in doubt:

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Hello, everybody! I hope you’re having a great week! Today’s article is about the fallaciously felonious and feral French fries I had last night! I picked up a take-out dinner that included lots of French fries, chili beans and cheese and also watched a documentary! Flatulently rife with federally-funded flea markets in Peru, I saw a National Geographic Channel special about .. dung beetles!

HaHa!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll! Can ya’ll dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?

I’m sorry I haven’t posted an article for nearly a week. I didn’t realize it had been that long! Life sometimes gets in the way of my blogging - but I avow to not wait so long in between future postings!

Today’s article has been inspired for you by Ben Vess! Mr. Vess is a great writer and thinker unto his own right and I commend him for launching his Bucket of Crabs web site. And to show support for his calls for the Deaf blogosphere to expand beyond constant Deafgasms about flies that land in people’s Deaf soup, I dedicate today’s article to Mr. Vess and the writers at Bucket of Crabs!

I spent a lot of time last week commuting on Interstate 25 (I-25) between Denver and Colorado Springs, and the road itself is a nightmare on the best of days. Amazingly enough - and unlike in New Mexico - Colorado has large, green signs that encourage people to report “aggressive or drunk drivers.” Included in the snitch-like subliminal messages is an 800 toll-free number for people to call whenever someone pisses them off!

On I-25, everybody thinks they’re driving in Europe! I swear to naughty, hot and sexy goddesses that this is true! People drive on the wrong side of the road! People think the slow lane on I-25 is on the left lane! WRONG!

It’s on the shoulder of the road!

As if that ain’t bad enough, within a few miles outside of Denver - heading south on I-25 - cars bunch up like NASCAR wannabe-racers! Old ladies driving with their heads barely peeking over the steering wheels are expert lead drafters! Lead drafters are people who go slower than everybody else! And they also love to sing disco songs with flappy dentures as they sing whilst they drive!

“Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin alive, stayin’ alive.
Feel the city breakin’ and ev’rybody shakin’
and we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin’ Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!”

But the main gripe I have with I-25 between Denver and Colorado Springs is the fact that the Snitch Signs do not give deaf/hard of hearing (HOH) people any options. I mean, we already know that that as soon as a cellphone rings, millions upon millions of hearing people immediately become The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road!

I am not kidding you!

In fact, one afternoon as I drove to Colorado Springs, there was a giant, blue pick-up truck that had been raised several feet high that drove slowly in front of me - in the left (fast) lane. And it was one of those trucks where super-sized, tractor-like tires had been installed to make the truck look like a Monster truck. It was HUGE! It was MASSIVE! The truck was also a Ford and required a frickin’ elevator to enter the cab!

And the driver looked awfully short, too!

Gawrsh!

Anyway .. so, in front of me was a Short Man with Big Issues on his cellphone; and in the right (slow) lane, was the Old Lady - the lead drafter - who held up traffic behind her for miles. I waited impatiently for the dude in front of me to speed up, or at least get the hell out of my way. In fact, there is a saying that I have that applies only to driving:

Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!

I drove impatiently behind the dude, inching closer to his bumper in an effort to intimidate him out of my way. He did not speed up at all as he mindlessly continued to orally vomit into his cellphone! And then I noticed the Old Lady had slowed down again, too. Suddenly, there was a 300-mile-long-line-of-cars-behind-me with nothing but open road in front of the Short Man with Big Issues and the Old Lady!

The inhumanity of it all!

So I honked. Nada. I flashed my high beams at him - and again, nothing. I looked into the rear view-mirror and discovered people behind me were angrily flashing gangsta signs in my direction! I shouted my response into the rear-view mirror:

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate!
I am only plucking pheasants
‘Cos the pheasant plucker’s running late!

HaHa!

As people behind me continued to act like rappers hyped up on speed, I passed another of the giant green Snitch Signs and I wondered for a moment if it’d be worth dialing the number and at least shouting at whomever answered my call. I mean, I’m deaf - I’m not gonna be able to explain to anyone on the other line that there’s an idiot in front of me who is being audist because golly-goodlums! - a Stupid Hearing Idiot is having cellphone sex on I-25!

Something had to be done!

Through trial and error though, I have determined that the average stupid hearing person answers their cellphones in exactly 27 seconds after immediately recognizing that their cellphone rang - the first time! “Ohh, I see Sara has called! I am important! I will make her wait an extra twenty-six seconds! To remind her that I am most important! HaHa! Take that, Sara!”

So, I dialed the number from the Snitch Sign into my cellphone and waited.

I cleared my throat as I waited for the appropriate moment, and practiced in my mind what I would say. I realized that I would only have so much time to yell a monologue before the call was disconnected, so brevity was of utmost importance. When the timer on my cellphone indicated 27 seconds had elapsed since I first dialed the call, I spoke as loud and as clearly as I possibly could.

“COMO ESTA? EH? TU? NO SE HABLA EN LENGUA VISUAL AMERICANA? NO?! TU ERES MUY MALA!”

And then I realized that the Short Man with Big Issues kept looking into his rearview mirror - as if he were shocked people actually existed behind his truck! And then I also realized that perhaps he was afraid I had snitched on him, so I continued my fictionalized cellphone conversation in hopes of compelling him to speed up and get the hell outta my way.

“Stupido la gente non dovrebbe guidare. Si?” I said into my cellphone - making sure people in cars around me could clearly and plainly see me talking into the cellphone. “No. NO! Ou vous menez ou vous suivez ou vous sortez de mon chemin!”

HaHa!

Eventually, the Short Man with Big Issues sped up and moved to the right lane on I-25. As I caught up to him, he looked at me through dark sunglasses and continued talking on his cellphone. I smiled as I gently steered my truck closer towards his - to the point where my passenger-side mirror nearly touched the driver’s-side elevator on the Short Man with Big Issues’ truck.

He threw me the bird as he quickly grew smaller on my rear-view mirror. I laughed as I put my cellphone down and found clean, clear and open road as I continued my trip back to Colorado Springs.

Well .. you know, I guess the point here is that even though the green Snitch Signs are only for the millions upon millions of stupid hearing people who drive whilst talking on cellphones, we deaf/HOH people can find other ways around these obstacles to justice!

I LOVE PRETENDING TO TALK ON CELLPHONES WHILST I DRIVE!

As for you people who are The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road, and commute daily between Colorado Springs and Denver, try to remember what Paotie says about driving. In fact, I recommend all my deaf/HOH brothers and sisters to repeat after me:

Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!

HaHa!

I know these things because I am the world’s greatest driver! And I always win those NASCAR-like runs on I-25, too!

All I need .. is my cellphone.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Today’s article is for Paotie’s Valentine. What an amazing woman! What a terrific friend! What a fantastic human being she is, too! Today is Valentine’s Day, and I get to write about the very special person in Paotie’s life - Paotie’s Valentine! She is quite the person and in fact, everybody who knows her will tell you she’s the nicest person on the planet!

She is my best friend. She listens when I get irritated at turbo-propelled geriatrics who always seem to find a way to magically cut in line in restaurants. She is also sometimes the only person on the planet that I think really understands me, too - especially when I start shooting spit-balls at screaming, snotty kids in restaurants!

I am not kidding you!

Whenever we go out to eat, I let her order for me. In fact, because I order the same things at the same restaurants, I do not ever need to order - ever! All the waitresses/waiters know me as, “The chicken fried steak and french fries deaf dude, who likes to shoot spit-balls at snotty, screaming kids. HaHa!”

I confess that I do not take my Valentine out to eat as much as I probably should, but then again, why would I? Paotie’s Valentine is the world’s best cook in the whole wide world! It is true because she makes the best guacamole, chile rellenoes, pasta, steak, french fries, PB&J sandwiches, and even Lay’s Chips.

*rubs his tummy*

Paotie’s Valentine also has a great sense of humor! She loves to laugh at me! “HA! HA! You are soooo funny with the way you eat!” How rude! So what if I slobber and eat super-fast!? I was told by my parents as a kid that, “there are poor, starving children in China who will steal your food if you don’t eat it now!”

BBQ ribs + Paotie = very messy Paotie!

HaHa!

Plus! We have a game here at home: if I’m home before she arrives after work, I will hide. Playing adult Hide-N-Seek is great fun! She always laughs when I spook her! It is great fun, too! Well, it’s usually fun after about 10 minutes have passed by and she finally stops beating me over the head with a rolled-up newspaper.

Gawrsh!

And, whenever I drive, she is always saying things like, “Honey. Honey. HONEY!?” as we dart through traffic. I am an admitted slow driver and I love to enjoy the scenery as it zips by my truck, but Paotie’s Valentine always has her eyes fixated to either the palms of her hands or the floor of the truck.

Strangely enough, she always seems to find the most inopportune time to tell me, “HONEY!?” after I yell at 95-year-old drivers who magically know how to steer without having to see the road! Seriously, some people should not be driving!

I am not kidding you!

Plus, she knows when I’m listening to her or not. She has this uncanny natural ability to know when I’m “pretending” to listen to her when in fact, I am thinking of the fact that it would be really cool to weld the wooden doors in the backyard shut. She knows because I know she knows when she asks, “HONEY!?!” as I space out.

She also likes to go to the movies but I do not. I mean, I like the smell of popcorn and all that good stuff, but the movies have always been Nap-Time for Paotie. Even if the movie’s subtitled! And when I start snoring loudly I am poked rather rudely and asked, “HONEY!?”

The important thing here is that she understands my sense of humor. When we are eating out at restaurants and asked by waitresses and waiters (i.e. “servers”), “How is everything?” I always make it a point to let ‘em know how much I appreciate the food/service. I say things like, “WOW! This food sucks!”

And then watch the reactions, which tend to go like this:

They say ..

WTF!?!

And then ..

HaHa!

Anyway, of course everybody laughs after Paotie’s Valentine explains that the food, “doesn’t really suck - he’s just messin’ with ya,” and all is well. Naturally, nobody talks to me after that, either - and instead, talk to her!

Audists!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll! Can ya dig it?

Paotie’s Valentine knows my heart and believes in it, too. And she understands me - understands what motivates me.

*strums an imaginary guitar*

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And its good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says, “How was your night?”
And I come to her and say, “It was all right”, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way ..

Anyway, the best thing about tonight is that I will be with my Valentine. We will make sweet, passionate music with gadzillions of candles lit directly under a smoke-detector at the hotel we’re staying at tonight. We will also laugh and pretend to get merrily drunk after drinking virgin margaritas.

And then I’m gonna get lucky!

HaHa!

Anyway, the best thing about my girl isn’t any of the superlatives I’ve used to describe her. It’s really simple, actually.

She loves me.

I LOVE MY VALENTINE!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Have fun!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you’re having a great week this far and are excited for the weekend, too! But, lately, there’s been some confusion on the part of some vloggers who feel that subtitling is a crime against ASL! Blasphemy! And! Plus! Subtitling is now a crime against Deafhood because Paddy Ladd’s book is too damn long to offer in transcripts! That is also why there are Deafhood seminars going around the country - nobody knows what the hell Paddy Ladd says in his book!

I LOVE CONSPICUOUSLY CONFOUNDING COCHLEAR CONFUCIANISTS!

HaHa!

Can ya dig it, ya know what I’m sayin’?

In fact, some vloggers are maintaining that because hearing people do not properly subtitle dental examinations that they will also deprive the Deaf-Blind community of subtitles because it is en vogue to piss and moan about all other things but ASL!

I am not kidding you!

Plus! I’ve also noticed an alarming trend whenever I don’t understand conversations with hot, blonde chicks who wear “tight” jeans and pink angora sweaters. Confounding cackles astound!

Some people may not be aware of this, but there is something called, visual noise and it effects mostly people with cochleas/ears that have gone on strike! Visual noise is especially prominent in pornographic movies!

WOW! What a concept!

One day not too long ago, a hearing friend asked me about pornographic movies, and whether I wanted captioning/subtitles for such movies. I replied, “Captioning? For porn? What for?”

HaHa!

I was at Starbucks at the butt-crack of dawn this morning and noticed a group of Christian women gathered around a table with Bibles opened. One woman said something about, “Fee,” and then another woman nodded in agreement and said, “Fo!”

I tried not to be too conspicuous as I tried to read their lips and Bibles (it helps to know what page, chapter and verse they’re reading), and then another woman quipped, “Fi! We forgot Fi!”

I admit most of the Christian women were nice-looking but none of them caught my eyes like a woman breast-feeding in public! Golly-goodlums! I love supporting breast cancer research by frequenting topless bars around the world, but I draw the line at throwing wrinkled dollar bills at atheist women!

And! On the way home, I was pulled over by a hot, brunette chick who wore a po-lice officer’s uniform! She drove this spiffy-looking car that looked exactly like a po-lice cruiser! I was impressed! In fact, I was so taken aback by her beauty (plus other thoughts), that whenever she spoke with her glossy bubblegum lips, my mind went blank.

Anyway! I told the HOT! female po-lice officer I was Deaf and added the word, “Fum,” after every sentence to ensure that she understood that I was Deaf!

“Young man, do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Fum?”

“You were going too slow there - it almost seems like you were waiting for me.”

“Uhh .. fum!”

“Oh! You’re Deaf? Ohh okay! H-o-w a-r-e y-o-u-?”

“F-u-m.”

HaHa!

So, if you’re a vlogger, nobody is making you subtitle your videos. And yes, visual noise is a problem - especially on Deaf pornographic movies! Again, nobody’s making anyone subtitle/caption their vlogs! This is America, people!

I LOVE DEMOCRACY!

I have to leave now to do more research - I will be eating lunch at the nearby topless dance club because they have an “All You Can Eat English Muffins” buffet for only $12.99! I will do my best to fight through the visual noise there at the club. Pray for me! Wish me well!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Good evening, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe weekend protesting and boycotting. In fact, I hope some of you at least got fortunate, if you know what I mean. Well, as always, I love a good protest because there’s always a hot, blonde chick somewhere! And the best way to get a hot, blonde and Deaf chick is to go to Deaf protests!

I LOVE DEMOCRACY!

In fact, I have a secret confession to make: I secretly think a certain “Deaf expert” is quite hot! WOW! When I first saw her vlog, I thought, “WOW! What a babe!”

GO NAD! GO NAD!

HaHa! I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll. Can you dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about today is my friend. She has outstanding English and ASL! And I know she knows I am quite sexy and sing wonderfully because she’s also Deaf-Blind, too!

Nothing sexier than a woman who signs sexily in ASL and has great English skills! I happen to think my friend is so smart, too and I am blown away by her expertise and ability to make her points perfectly clear to stupidly angry commentators asking stupidly stupid questions at her blog! Outstanding!

I LOVE PATTY!

Patty is one of my new online friends. She is smart, articulate and sexy! She still owes me the damn pink boa she stole from me last week! And only for her, will I let her keep Paotie’s Pink Boa.

The other really neat thing about Patty is that I love to read her Canadian-English, because this might come as a shock to some of you, but Patty’s English is slightly different than mine!

WOW! What a concept!

She realises that I realized that we use the same language differently for the same purposes! I think that is so cool because I LOVE English! It is more than just a phonetical language - it is also a visual language, too!

English adds many different colours to people’s lives and can sometimes help people understand why and how the world works. In fact, you might even remember a phrase that goes, “Paotie has rose-colored glasses on for that hot, blonde and Deaf chick in ‘tight’ jeans and a tight, pink and angora sweater!”

I LOVE SEMANTICS!

But, I have to apologize to those Deaf advocates who seem to feel that reading English is terrible because subtitles are audist. They are upset because the “voice” that people “hear” when they read is audist! It is against Deafhood!

Blasphemy!

And, in fact, the latest excuse to not provide subtitles in vlogs has nothing to do with anything other than the mere fact that subtitles might add “another” voice to a vlog, therefore, all vloggers should now demand and insist that “unbiased” captioning/subtitles are to be provided!

Outstanding forms of logic by Deaf “leaders!”

*laughs*

Really, people ..

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Good morning, everybody! I have decided to join in on all the fun against AG Bell Foundation’s battle against the National Association of the Deaf (NAD). And I want to boycott because I am outraged! I am appalled! I am mortified! I am calcified! I also thought the NAD’s response to AG Bell Foundation was amazingly histrionic, and I also appreciated the fantabulous display of emotion that oozed from the NAD’s email/letter/video/postcard sent to AG Bell Foundation.

That’s right! You read it here first: Paotie will join in the protest! And boycott!

In fact, let us use DeafRead as a prime example of how we can make our lives better! Witness the massive number of vlogs and blogs rolling through DeafRead that deplore AG Bell Foundation and praises the NAD for bitch-slapping the AG Bell Foundation! Outstanding forms of freedom of expression!

I LOVE DEMOCRACY!

People to the power! People to the power!

In fact, I am currently in Denver and will soon be outside AG Bell Foundation’s facilities, and I will have a sign that says, “GONAD!GONAD!” (there’s only so much space on my poster-board, okay? Alas, I tried to insert, “pettifoggery” in there, but as much as I love that word, there was no room for more words) So, c’mon and join me!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

C’mon, everybody! Join me RIGHT NOW no matter where you are RIGHT NOW! Do not SIGN IT - just SHOUT, “GO NAD! GO NAD!” It is our new Deaf joke!

WOO HOO!

I love protests! In fact, I am willing to bet that I may even meet a hot, blonde, Deaf chick who wears “tight” denim skirts/jeans, with a tight pink angora sweater, and together, we might get around to “fixing” what needs to be “fixed!” And then, together, I can shout:

GO NAD! GO NAD!

So, if you’re in the area near Denver, come meet me near AG Bell Foundation and join me as we Deaf shout our powerfully aphrosidiac slogans! YES YES!!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

But, really, I would much prefer to protest in the summer for a simple reason: water hoses! Water hoses are quite fun - especially when there are women nearby in tight, white shirts! The trick is to avoid falling down after the water is turned on because if you’re not careful, you might end up piled against a building with a hot chick wearing “tight” jeans and a tight, wet and white shirt on top of you!

I am not kidding you!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

Not only that, we might even be picked up by the national press, who will ask deeply profound questions to any protesters who join Paotie in Denver. One example of such a question is, “She doesn’t smile .. how do you feel about that!?!”

And! Plus! I love the fact the NAD president, Bobbi Beth Scoggin (not “Scrooge” - “Scoggin”) actually interrupts her vacations to support protests! WOW! I am impressed! In fact, I truly hope Ms. Scoggin can join us in Denver as we chant and shout:

GO NAD! GO NAD!

YES! YES!!

SORRY, I AM A BIT Hyper now after feeling all the good vibrations from my subwoofer. Oh, and all the inspiring blogs/vlogs that are circulating through DeafRead saying the same thing I am:

GO NAD! GO NAD!

Well, there’s lots of other good reasons to protest and/or boycott things and people, and I won’t delve into the details, but I do want to remind you that this is America and that I strongly encourage you Deaf people to continue protesting and shouting the way all ya’ll have! I am quite proud of the fact we can join arms and protest a common cause!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

Anyway, I have to rush off now - I have my prostate examination later this morning. And consider this a public service announcement message for you Deaf males: get your prostate checked! Be safe - not sorry!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

Have a great weekend protesting and boycotting! And above all, have fun - just like the students at Gallaudet University did (during warm weather - smart!) when they protested Jane Fernandes’ iPod! Skip classes, set cars on fire, and watch hearing Deaf groupies become martyrs after a hard day of standing around and doing nothing!

GO NAD! GO NAD!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Good morning and welcome to The Eitoap Evening News Today. This special report has caused you to interrupt your usual evening of b/vlogging because you realize this article is one that will have you laughing out of your sides! Or maybe you will cry due to a very sad, emotional tale of Paotie’s grasshopper - who lived until Paotie sat down to write this article! There’s only one way to find out and that’s to keep on reading, of course, but I’m sure you already knew that.

HaHa!

I love to take advantage of DeafRead’s format! I love the teaser bit with the first paragraph of my article as the blurb.

Anyway, I’ve been busy doing lots of other writing projects. Most of it is unrelated to my blog, but it’s writing nonetheless and I didn’t want to neglect Paotie’s Green Couch readers (sorry, Pinkies!) and thought to drop in for today’s article.

Let’s see .. so a lot of people missed the Pepsi Super Bowl ad featuring “DEAF” people of some kind or another. It was just a marketing gimmick. I noticed a few people were upset with or praising Pepsi for making the ad. It was just a joke and a marketing gimmick for hearing people - not to promote Deaf culture or to stereotype anyone.

I used to work for a large home entertainment corporation. I delivered and installed people’s high-end HDTV’s, receivers, amplifiers/subwoofers (the bass) and other components that are part of the “surround sound” that you see in the “Special Features” section of many DVDs. That sound is what is very important to hearing people - so much so that people literally spend thousands of dollars investing on sound.

Imagine sound itself magnified by all the speakers and subwoofers - and it’s not to hear the sound better - it’s to experience the sound. Literally.

In fact, I used to have two subwoofers hooked up to my DVD player. If you don’t know what a subwoofer is - it’s a small box that vibrates to kingdom come. It is the thing that makes car radios do that thump thump .. thump BOOOM .. BOOOM BOOOM .. thump! noise when you stop at intersections and see cholos trying desperately hard to be like Paotie - cool.

HaHa!

Anyway .. I would rent DVDs like Apollo 13 and Armageddon and set up the two subwoofers on HIGH. And then I’d sit back and wait for the movie to play. During the opening scenes of Apollo 13, a rocket roars through the night-time air. If you have a subwoofer hooked-up to the DVD player/TV/receiver like I did, then you would feel the rocket’s roar.

AWESOME!

If you’ve been to a nightclub and remember feeling the beats of a song vibrating through the floor, the walls, and your clothes - that’s the work of an amplifier and bass/subwoofers. In fact, Paotie and one of his best buds - a Deaf stud - would frequently go to raves in the middle of the desert and dance the night away because we could feel the beat of the music. And a secret here: hearing people think it is AWESOME! that we can feel the beat.

So, the thing of the Pepsi ad was the “shocking sound of silence” - not a couple of people pretending to speak in subtitles. And to put this in perspective, I was at a Super Bowl Party early during the pre-game show with other hearing people. Most of the people were chatting and eating and drinking - not really watching the pre-game show.

At least at the party I was at, nobody flinched during the ad. The “shock” was drowned amid a sea of noises created when people eat, talk, walk, drink and even do all that all at once!

In the end, all the fusses over Pepsi only did one thing for sure: it fattened Pepsi’s profit margins.

Still, you’ve got to try the subwoofers! I swear! It’s AWESOME!

*laughs*

Well, I should probably also tell you that the po-lice were called to my apartment one night after playing some rap music for a few buddies of mine, and that the “Ohh! Sorry! I’m Deaf” excuse didn’t work, either.

*shrugs innocently and kicks a small pebble*

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Now that the b/vlogging awards are over and people can get back to b/vlogging about their favorite sodas and telephone companies, it’s time Paotie’s Green Couch does the same, too. And since AGBad shoved their own foot deep inside their arse, I have one thing to say about the whole fuss - but you’ll have to keep on reading to find out more.

Anyway, glad everybody who went to the 2007 Deafhood Awards show arrived home safely. From what I can tell, the conference was mostly about how great it is to read Paotie’s Green Couch and how everyone wished Paotie was there at the Deafhood awards because things were going too well and slow.

Next year, I just might go to the 2008 Deafhood B/Vlogging Awards show! Let it be known now: Paotie may go to the awards next year!

Or not!

Although, to be quite honest with you, if the editors personally funded my airfare, plus hotel and accompanying massages at the hotel’s spa, and hired hot, blonde chicks with pink lips and “tight” jeans and pink sweaters to spoon-feed me Fruity Pebbles, then I just might go.

HaHa!

A lot of you are probably going:

WTF!?!

FTS!

Anyway, I apologize to you readers expecting the Emotional Internet article, which I had previously said would be out yesterday (Monday). I have been busy updating the article to reflect the angry burps that lots of Deaf people had after the Super Bowl. Like, you know, they were wondering what happened to the “Deaf” commercial that was supposed to be playing in never-ending-loops in a small, humanoid box on the lower right side of your television screen during the Super Bowl.

A lot of people were asking:

WTF!?!

And then saying ..

FTS!

I admit I missed most of the game because I was talking to a woman about my snowboarding trip. She was a petite and thin, blonde woman who wore a denim skirt, long black boots, and a tight, pink sweater. Of course she reminded me of the Pink Crowd here at Paotie’s Green Couch. And what really caught my eye was the constant smacking of her lips as she sipped a margarita.

And so I had asked her, “Are you by chance from Italy? Is your name Jodi?” and she looked at me weirdly before I explained, “See, you remind me of a friend I kinda know who lives in another country but I have never met her but I know a bit about her ‘cos her young son received this cutsie text-message from a cutsie girl who had ‘zapped’ him.” Of course, the woman didn’t know what “zapped” meant and neither did Paotie, although for some odd reason, Paotie’s mind was stuck on the word, “fix” as in “fixin’.”

See .. Paotie is causing a ruckus out by the Mediterranean Sea and has even been called a PIG in Italian! Apparently, someone saw a comment I left at Jodi’s blog, and did the same thing lots of you readers did earlier today, too:

Ask ..

WTF!?!

And then say ..

FTS!

HaHa!

Keeping up? C’mon! Have a little fun today! It’s snowing out here and everything is shut down. I took my truck out for a ride earlier this morning and spun around town without a hard top or even a soft-top, except the bikini was doing just fine. And then I did a 360 directly in front of a po-lice officer and he laughed as I gave him the thumbs up signal.

Gawrsh! I love being Deaf!

HaHa!

Anyway, now to AGBad: shame on AG Bell Foundation for promoting diversity and inclusion! What a terrible idea! In fact, it was a stupid idea to proclaim that the Pepsi ad was a joke! Blasphemy!

A lot of you will be doing this (again):

WTF!?!

And then ..

FTS!

And remember what happened last week?

DO NOT COME BACK HERE!

Well, lots of you came back anyway, and you know what? I think that is soooooo cool! You know why? Because I am anti-authority! I am a preppie! I wear my polo shirt collars straight up to my neck; and my head is shaved clean; and I have a “racy” little tattoo of Snoopy on my arse. I am a preppie without a cause who needs a cause!

HaHa!

So are all ya’ll - especially those of you who disregarded my message of:

DO NOT COME BACK HERE

Okay! You all have a great day today! Sorry I didn’t really post anything with any meaning in today’s article, but at least I hope some of you got a chuckle. And I hope some of you really did go ..

WTF!!?

And then go ..

FTS!

*laughs*

See ya’ll tomorrow!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver - Today begins the second installment of my 3-part series regarding DeafRead’s ambiguously vague guidelines. In doing my research, I came across a fascinating group of people, called, “The Ewe.” (click the link to learn more) The Ewe live in and around Nigeria, and have a fascinating culture that perhaps some of you might find relates to Deaf culture in general. And this applies quite well to DeafRead itself, too. So, let’s get to the nitty-gritty details of my research’s findings.

First, the most obvious and shocking finding:

Ya’ll are suckers!

*laughs*

Anyway, I already do enough research reading and writing in school. Heck, I pay seriously good money to have the right to engage in academic research, so I’m not about to engage in “academic discourse” by conducting research online. There is a reason why many people are not accepted into graduate or doctorate programs, you know?

In fact, you can read my previous article, “Are Blogs Academic Journals?” by clicking the link. This might be particularly interesting to Paula from HearingExchange.com, and many of you who are somewhat new to DeafRead itself.

Onwards!

Snowboarding (at Monarch Ski area - the best unknown ski area outside of Colorado) yesterday was awesome! Fresh and virginal powder was everywhere, and there were so few people there yesterday that I did not once have to wait in line at the chairlifts. Perfect! I guess the only drawback was the fact it was so cold early in the morning as the mercury dipped to nearly -5 F before warming up to zero sometime near noon.

But, I want to share an embarrassing episode that happened to me yesterday. I had just come off a steep, black diamond run (double black diamonds are the hardest) and was covered in snow after mis-timing a mogul, flying high into air and noticing Santa Fe, New Mexico from my vantage point, and then rolling down the mountain, literally. In fact, as I tumbled repeatedly over moguls that were not really moguls but huge “puffs” of snow, I began singing a world-famous song whilst I waited to come to a stop.

Big wheel keep on turning
Proud Mary keep on burning
And we’re rolling, rolling
Rolling on the river

Well, it happens to the best of us. But that’s not the embarrassing moment I had: after I finished that run, I was gliding towards a flat part of the the same run near the mid-mountain chairlift (the advanced lift), when I saw a hot chick with hot pink lips and in hot pink and “tight” pants.

And of course, it reminded me of the Pink Crowd here at Paotie’s Green Couch, and I made a mental note to myself to remind you readers of the hot chick and her “tight” pants and pink lips. She was hot! And pink!

She made me crash, too! Well, I crash lots and see no shame in crashing, although I confess that crashing on flat areas for a good snowboarder can be quite embarrassing. So, I crashed and ate a mouthful of snow on a flat part of the mountain. For once, I had my ego shoved so far up my ass that I was unsure what I was to do next.

As she snowboarded past me, she asked, “Are you okay?” I nodded and dusted myself off. She asked me something again, but I confess that when people have runny noses (which is common on the ski slopes), it can be rather distracting. Fortunately, she wiped her nose and then my fantasy of the hot chick with hot pink lips and pants returned to my bruised skull as she continued on down the mountain.

*rubs his neck*

But the day went swimmingly well and I had a blast shredding the mountain. In fact, I was hoping a giant blizzard would drop 10 feet of snow over the area whilst I was there so I would have a perfectly good excuse for not returning home - hot pink lips on hot pink chicks wearing “tight” hot, pink pants.

Oh well!

Paotie’s PostScript: I came home late last night and discovered that the Pink Crowd had continued the “Pinking” of Paotie. Words like, “Pinky Smacky,” “licking my juicy lips,” and “titillating” were used.

Shame on you people!

HaHa! Besides, I blame YOU, the Pink Crowd for my embarrassing moment with the hot chick with the hot lips wearing “tight” hot pink pants!

Okie dokie .. a couple of quick notes:

JJ Puorro is now my (only) favorite editor of DeafRead. The man would literally drive 10-12 hours to snowboard with Paotie. Awesome! Buy the man a beer, Paotie!

Also, in my hurry yesterday morning, I overlooked an additional blogger, Ambling Rambler, as a suggestion for you readers to check out. Ambling Rambler is a blogger with a cochlear implant who also lives in New Zealand, where there are even more hot chicks with hot pink lips who wear “tight” pink pants. So, when you get a chance, check that blog out.

Click here to see the Ambling Rambler’s web site.

Finally, I want to chip in my two cents regarding the Pepsi commercial, AGBell Foundation, and the chorus of idiots orgasming over AGBell’s protest of the commercial. First, the commercial engages in generalizations - something ALL Deaf people abhor, except of course, when it makes Deaf people feel good about themselves.

Secondly, the Pepsi commercial will tell hearing people all over the world the all-important and unknown truth about us Deaf people: we ALL speak in subtitles and drive around neighborhoods and honk randomly at night because .. ALL Deaf people speak in subtitles.

Seriously, I think too many people are raising too much of a fuss over a stupid commercial that will in the end, generate more profits for Pepsi - not promote Deaf culture. Deaf porn will promote Deaf culture perfectly well, and I intend to ensure that Deaf porn promotes Deaf culture.

Why? Because Deaf porn does the same thing as the Pepsi commercial: teaches hearing people that ALL Deaf people speak in subtitles and think in cartoon balloons.

So, the moral for today? Be careful for what you wish for.

Okay! I’ve got to go, but I hope you all have a terrific Friday!

And remember ..

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie