Colorado Springs - What do you do if you find yourself in an awkward situation with someone that you might be attracted to? What do you say during those moment’s of awkward silence after you first meet a stranger? What do you tell a police officer who has pulled you over for going 112 MPH in a 25 MPH school zone?

You tell them about Monday Morning Weirdness. Ain’t no shame in deflecting the obvious towards the weirder. If you don’t believe me, then try to catch the next COPS rerun and watch the stupidly criminal explain things to the police: “Gee officer, we were gonna blow up the car across the street because those people are drug dealers, but I decided to be civil instead and smoke this meth-laced marijuana joint. I saved society from harm!”

So, lighten your loafers as you read on.

• Christmas is near and for many of you, that will mean fizzed and carbonated bottles of ham. A company has created a ham-and latke-flavored soda to make your holiday feast complete. It even will be kosher, the company making it says - including the ham. Jones Soda Co. - the Seattle-based purveyor of offbeat fizzy water - is selling holiday-themed limited-edition packs of flavored sodas.

• The company prides itself on the accuracy of the taste and includes titles of drinks such as, Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream, and Natural Field Turf.

Paotie’s PostScript: You hear that, Starbucks? A Natural Field Turf-flavored soda! Where is my Engine Oil-flavored iced chai?

• In South Korea, a man is building a toilet-shaped house to honor the common commode. Sim Jae-duck has made his political career as South Korea’s Mr. Toilet by beautifying public restrooms. Now he’s got a home befitting his title: a toilet-shaped domicile complete with the latest in lavatory luxury.

• Jae-duck built the two-story house - finished yesterday - to commemorate the inaugural meeting later this month of the World Toilet Association. The group, supported by the South Korean government, aims no less than to launch a “toilet revolution,” by getting people to open their bathroom doors for the sake of improving worldwide hygiene.

Paotie’s PostScript: I didn’t know there was such a thing as the World Toilet Association. I didn’t even know that 2.5 billion people on the planet continue to crap in the bushes outside public libraries, either. Last I checked, an outhouse was an outhouse was an outhouse. Except for the first bush on the left at the library.

• A teenager in North Carolina dropped a football into the end zone from an airplane as a prank during a high school football game last week. Brian Morris, 17, was in court this past Thursday to face two charges: dangerous flying and dropping objects at a sporting event. Kaleb Combs, a junior at Hopewell High School and Morris’ friend, told the local newspaper that many students knew in advance what Morris planned and that students collected $700 at the game in case he needed bail money.

• Morris was flying low enough that some spectators could see the tail numbers on the rented single-engine Cessna 172, police said. Two passengers won’t be charged, police said.

• “He was below the level of the stadium lights, so that was quite a shock to people who were there,” Huntersville police spokesman Capt. Michael Kee said. Officials at the school north of Charlotte suspended Morris on Monday, but it was unclear what his status was Thursday. School district officials said they couldn’t discuss his or any student’s files.

• The football dropped last Friday was signed by Hopewell High School faculty and students, and school officials are investigating how many people knew about Morris’ plans.

Paotie’s PostScript: Whatever happened to TP’ing people’s houses as a prank? If most of the kids knew, but not the teachers, then what does that say about the state of our educational system in the United States? Crappy.

• And from Canada, comes a potsmoker’s dream of a political party: they’re proud of smoking pot, they draw their political inspiration from cigar-chomping comics and rock legends, and they want to get elected so they can stick it to “The Man.” They’re also hoping to lure voters with the tantalizing promise of weekly orgasms - and marijuana in every pot. The Neorhino party promises to declare Spanish as Canada’s official language and pass legislation forcing Prime Minister Stephen Harper to go on a diet.

• The new party - officially called neorhino.ca - is one of at least two groups claiming to be a reincarnation of the defunct Rhinocerous party that specialized in political satire.

• Like the old Rhinos, the party has no clear political ideology except for two deep beliefs: something’s seriously wrong with the state of modern politics, and Canadian public discourse could use a lot more fun. “We are a Marxist-Lennonist party - based on the philosophy of Groucho Marx and John Lennon,” said party president Francois Gourd.

Paotie’s PostScript: Finally, there’s something good that comes from Canada that Americans can adopt: a political party that promotes orgasms and pot-smoking. Lots of Republicans would fit right in, if only they would quit living in denial. And lots of Democrats would be forced into joining the party because they are, after all, a bunch of vajajays as Oprah would lovingly call ‘em.

• Finally, a man in Texas was arrested after reporting the theft of 150 pounds of marijuana from his home. Jose Guadalupe Flores, an illegal immigrant from Mexico, claimed some unknown men broke in and ransacked his home, stealing the marijuana. Hildalgo County sheriffs arrived to the scene to find 15 pounds of marijuana still at Flores’ home.

• “The guy walked right up and said the drugs were his,” Sheriff Lupe Trevino said. “That’s not the smartest move.”

Paotie’s PostScript: Stupid Mexican.

So there you have it, this week’s Monday Morning Weirdness. When all else fails to deflect blame against you, remind other people that there are weirder, stranger and crappier things to worry about. And the next time you sit on a commode, remember that somewhere in the world, somebody is stoned, just had an orgasm and is sitting atop a lovely lavatory in luxury while the rest of the world can only dream on.

Have a great week.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie