Colorado Springs – I remember hearing many women profess a deep lust/love kind of feeling for then-President Bill Clinton when I was in college. In the years before Clinton swapped spit and other bodily functions with an intern, he was a sexy saxophone player that made women swoon. Of course, I couldn’t understand the attraction of a blue-haired man who was married to a woman who .. well, if it weren’t for her elephant ankles, I’d have thought she was decently attractive.

More to the point: what caught my eye this morning was the fact that a future First Lady might have a pierced tongue. That’s right – a pierced tongue. You’ll have to read on to find out which one of the potential future First Wives has a stud in her mouth. So, I decided to compile a brief list of the 2008 Presidential election candidates’ eye-candy of wives (note: this is entirely a subjective issue, and if you disagree with me, well .. there’s a magazine called, Playgirl for you to check out, instead) just for the sheer shallowness of it.

If the girls can have Manly Man Monday, then us guys can grunt and make obscene gestures to one another about politician’s wives. Here’s my list of 2008′s Presidential Wives eye-candy for you undecided about the Presidential election:

• Jackie Dodd – Not exactly Maxim material, but at least she’s a contrast to some of the older politicians’ wives, most notably Barbara Bush. With the backdrop of Mrs. Bush in your mind, you can agree with me that Jackie may not be Jackie O., but she’s certainly a step up from Grandma “Wide-eyed” Bush.

• Elizabeth Edwards – Edwards’ has fought a highly publicized battle with cancer since March of this year, and yet she vows to continue onwards with the task of electing her husband, John as President. Elizabeth is more of the handsome variety than the type of eye-candy we’re looking for here. When you think of the requirements to make this list, think of construction/politician hybrids of men; Edwards hardly makes men weak at the knees. She made the list since she’s beautiful simply because she’s a wholesome type of woman – that and the fact I hope she beats her cancer into remission again.

• Barbara Richardson – Well, she’s from my home state – enough said. I won’t reveal how I feel about her husband, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, but I felt just because I’m a native New Mexican that I’d include Barbara. Let’s just say the bottle of lotion shall remain under the sink when I’m thinking of Barbara Richardson, okay?

• Barack Obama’s wife, Michelle is eye-candy. Svelte and sophisticated looking, very little encouragement is needed to set construction workers whistling to themselves with wanton abandonment. Politicians drool at her sophistication, so Michelle gets a definite vote of eye-candy for this list.

Republicans, unsurprisingly, had few trophy wives that radiated sex appeal. I don’t know if it’s because of all the conservative views they have towards most things relating to sex; or if the current generation of GOP haven’t quite gotten around to dumping their older wives for younger, hotter and sexier women.

Anyway, now to the short GOP list of eye-candy wives:

• Mitt “Amnesiac” Romney’s wife, Ann, is decent eye-candy material. To relate to men at Hooter’s, she’s pretty and has a fair sexual appeal – but only after a pitcher or two of cheap, flat beer over BBQ wings. You know, she’s sexy but a little help might be needed. Viagra might help, but only if you want to become like me – deaf.

• Cindy McCain is one hot grandmother! She is a GILF. Hot mamma! Well, she’s going to be eye-candy for a while but not forever, and if McCain should win the Presidency, I have no doubt that the entire world will view Americans as blonde, dumb and hot. Maybe that’ll help efforts at establishing world peace?

Before you GOP people get your pants all bunched up and angry because you can’t pitch tents over the GOP’s short list, I have news for you: there’s a tie between a GOP and a Democrat in terms of eye-candy winners. And of course, I’ll finally tell you which woman has a pierced tongue, too.

• Republican hopeful, Fred Thomspon is 148 years old, and yet his wife is 1/8th his age. Jeri Thompson makes hordes of men chant, “Jeri! Jeri! Jeri!” each time she attends a political function. Ironically, Walgreen’s reported oversexed males emptying shelves of lotion and baby oil whenever Jeri Thompson is mentioned anywhere within a one-mile radius. Jeri is hot, hot, hot. The classical, sophisticated woman who can somehow endure the geriatric grunting of a man old enough to have been friends with Pharaoh Ramses II is awe-inspiring. Still, she’s absolute eye-candy and an inspiration to all men over the age of 65 to dump their old Barbara Bush wives in favor of younger women like Jeri.

• Finally .. she has red hair and she’s far younger than her husband like her GOP counterpart, Jeri Thompson. And she has the pierced tongue that has and will set millions of men around the world crazy in sexual angst if her husband wins. And she has long, wavy hair, too. Doesn’t wear much make-up, either. Definite eye-candy and has sex appeal oozing from every pore. Men in Hooters would pay her to sit at their table. Enough said.

• But there can’t be a tie. There has to be a winner and President Dubya has proven to us all that nothing matters but winning. So, the winner of the hottest Presidential Election Eye-Candy wife is .. *drumroll* .. Elizabeth Kucinich. Her husband, Dennis found Elizabeth in a mail-order bride catalogue and hopes to utilize her sex appeal and the pierced tongue to inspire millions of men (and lesbians) to become engaged in politics. Internship applications will no doubt rise as soon as Elizabeth is elected to her husband’s First Bed in the White House.

So, there you have it. It’s not exactly a compilation of “Who’s Hot and Who’s Not,” but rather, just one other thing for you men to consider out there whilst playing with your heads in trying to figure out who to vote for. In an age where anything goes, many politicians are seemingly dropping older wives for the younger, more contemporary and sexier women of today.

Just so you know, I had a hard time in deciding who was the winner between Jeri and Elizabeth and opted to go with the pierced tongue of Elizabeth Kucinich. I used to have one for years and know how life is with a pierced tongue.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie